randomness

Have you ever had one of those days where you just sat and thought? You have all these things, dreams, ideas, visions of what you want to happen. It can be about your future, that night, that day, the next month. Then you get so overwhelmed but you don’t know how to stop.

IDK maybe it’s just me, but lately I’ve been having it happen more and more. It’s weird because  I’m no longer dreaming of my future. Where will I be in 5 years, what does life have in store for me. Mostly I’m wondering why I’m doing what I’m doing. I ask myself what have I done with my life. Or what will my next be idea be for tomorrow.

I’m 30 years old. When I was 18, I had all these plans, then when I turned 20 they changed. They changed again at 21, and then again at 22. At 25 I finally “knew” what I was doing with my life. Then at 28 everything changed again. Before it was every couple of years, but now I find myself changing my mind and wanting to head in new directions every day. I have a new “dream” job every day.

In the past 4 months of 2013 I have wanted to do a bunch of random things like ASAP. Not in 5 years, but I want to do this NOW. Then I’ll start thinking about how realistic that would be and it brings me back to reality. Its weird because a lot of the things I’ve been thinking are not really stable options for me . Things like quit my job, or move to a different state, or kick out my roommates. Other things require TONS of commitments, start a small business, fostering/adopting a child, going to school full time. It’s like I go from one extreme to another. I get really excited and motivated and started filling out applications, or making business plans, etc. only to be brought back to reality.

Granted I have always been a dreamer. I have always had these totally crazy plans, and the moment I knew it wasn’t going to happen, I would go and and make another “plan”. Now I’m not so sure. I know I want to open a non-profit. A community center, but I don’t know how realistic that is anymore. I wonder if it’s just another “dream” that I won’t fulfill. I wonder what the point of going to school is. I wonder how is it that I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. I also wonder if anyone else has ever felt this way.

I feel like I need a purpose. When people ask why I’m going to school, I tell them because I want to. It’s what I need to do. I enjoy it. I’m doing it for me.

When they ask what kind of job I can get with this degree I say “…..good question….” I have no idea. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

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